Startin' With Me
by itzalliballi
Summary: Mark is sitting in a supply closet reflecting on his life. Song fic for SWM by Jake Owens. Maddison. Chap 8 FINAL CHAPTER! is up! COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey Everyone, this is mostly a Mark's reflections on choices he's made in his life, but there's going to be an ongoing conversation going on in present time as well. Possibly two. There aren't really any firm shippings, possibly some Maddison. Hope you guys like it! It's a songfic to Startin' With Me by Jake Owens. **

I would be the first person to admit to the numerous mistakes I've made, some I regret more than others. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, no apologies. Someone once told me that you can't change who you are, and I believe them. Doesn't mean that I don't want to. I know what people say about me, I'm not deaf, and they don't try to lower their voices when I enter a room. I'm a notorious man whore that apparently is cocky beyond belief. But so what if I love women? All women. And so what if I happen to be proud of my looks and abilities? Both something I work very hard on every day.

Most hate me for what I did to Derek, but I don't care. I only care about Derek- and Addison. They are the only ones that know what happened. Well Derek doesn't know exactly what happened, but he knows what it lead to. I hate that he walked in on us, and I hate that Addison couldn't be honest with him before, but I can't apologize for falling in love with her. She changed my life. Well, a big part of my life.

Another one of my regrets, for the first time, well first major time, my man whorish ways bit me in the ass. I cheated on the love of my life. Not just once though. That's the worst part. She cheated on her husband with me, and then I turn around and return to my old ways. The entire time Derek was in New York that we were together, I was completely faithful, in a very twisted way. I spent all my time waiting for the next time I could hold her in my arms, but then I could have her anytime I wanted, and no matter how amazing that felt, and how much I enjoyed every moment of it, my general love of women slowly started creeping back in. Didn't lessen my love for her any though. She just never saw it that way, and I guess it's hard to understand till you have been in the situation. Not to say that this was the first mistake I'd made when it came to my sleeping habits, it's just the one I hate the most.

**I had a one night stand with my best friends baby sister**

_It was one hour into a Saturday morning of my freshman year in college,and I was actually sober. Derek and Addison had made a pact to not drink any alcohol for the whole weekend to study for exams, and somehow I was dragged into the pact as well, leading us all to my apartment off campus. So, it was safe to say that I was bored out of my mind when I got Nancy's call. Derek and Addison were all snuggly together, as usual, on the couch, and I was sprawled out on the leather recliner only a few feet away. A movie was on, but it was a chick-flick, so I wasn't too consumed in it, and welcomed the distraction. I quickly excused myself from the living room to my bedroom to answer the phone. _

_Five minutes later, I was out the door to pick up Nancy, Derek's older sister, from a party. Somehow, in the past year, I'd become her go-to guy when she was wasted and needed a ride home. Did I have a taxi light up sign on top of my car? Apparently so! She called me because she was always too scared to call Derek. She had to know I was with him, didn't she? Either way, if it was at all possible, I always went and got her. I also warned her to what parties Derek was planning on attending, to avoid any awkward run-ins. We didn't go to the same college, but hers wasn't far away, and so they tended to have the same crowds. _

_"Hey Nancy pants." I grinned as I came to a complete stop in front of the large apartment building that I've grown rather accustomed to, the rain beaming down on my windshield too fast for my wipers to have a chance to clear them. _

_"Hey loser." She giggled in the stern way that only she could pull off. She's always had such a irrevocable presence around her. She could fight with the best of men, and cry with the giddiest of women. If she didn't constantly remind me of the fact that she'd seen me in a girls bathing suit when I was too young to dress myself, sometimes I wonder if I could have fallen in love with her. _

_"How was the rager?" I continue with our traditional banter, trying my best to keep my eyes off the way the chilling rain all but glued her tank top to her slender body. Thanking something or someone above that her dorm was only about a five minute drive, maybe ten with the rain._

_"Eh. Same old same old. No newbies tonight." She sighed, and I couldn't help but laugh._

_"Yes, it's tragic that there weren't any guys that you haven't already had your way with by your senior year in college, Nance. Really heartbreaking if you ask me." Derek would have had a heart attack if he knew how much she got around. He'd go and try and kick every single guy's ass that ever laid a hand on her. She was my role model. _

_"Oh, like you have any room to talk, Mark. You're still a freshman, and you've already ran out!" She laughed heartily, and I could hear the roaring of it vibrating off her chest. It was slightly infectious. _

_"It's not my fault that I'm good in bed, babe." I grin, and I swear I saw her lick her lips tauntingly, but I shook it off. This was Nancy! _

_"Or maybe they are just really drunk." She bit her index finger trying to bite back her laughter, but was failing._

_"That's why they always come back for more." I retort quickly to save my pride. Believe it or not, I wasn't always as cocky as people think._

_"Yet, you won't sleep with them again." I have got to stop telling her about my sex life. I don't like this biting me in the ass thing she does._

_"That would be unfair though, Nancy. You see, you have to give everyone worthy a chance. If I slept with the same girls every night, how would I know they were the best?" She widens her jaw in mock shock, but I know she isn't really surprised. "Besides, it's not like you've ever slept with someone twice either!"_

_"That's because I go for guys like you." That's not exactly a surprise to me, but it's the first time she's ever said it. I looked at her questioningly for a moment as I parked in one of the open spaces in front of her dorm. Yep, she was definitely taunting me. _

_"Well, I am very charming." I grin, trying to ignore the fact that she is gently rubbing her thighs. _

_"Mark?" She closed her eyes tightly for a moment before opening them again to look at me._

_"What'd you do now, Fancy?" I grin, she was making it very hard to be neutral. _

_"Come upstairs." She nibbled on her lower lip while I was trying my best to read the situation._

_"Nancy, I can't be the only person you know that will have sex with your roommate. I've told you before I wasn't doing it again!" We both let out a small laugh, but she shook her head, no, before placing one of her hands on my upper thigh. _

_"This one's for me." She whispered huskily into my ear, running her hand further up my thigh. I could smell the alcohol on her breath._

_"Nancy.. I.'' I tried to protest but she placed her other hand over my mouth, once again shaking her head. _

_"It can be our little secret." She smirked before replacing her hand with her mouth, using the hand to remove my keys from the ignition._

_The next morning, I woke up in an empty room with only a note to greet me. _

_**Hey loser. **_

_**I'm out for the day with Addison. Apparently our twilight boy decided to be a jackass last night. **_

_**Get dressed and go home, I'm sure he'll be whining about something or another.**_

_**xoxo,**_

_**Nancy Pants**_

_**P.S- I might have met my match, cocky ass. **_

_I laughed before I made my way around the room for my clothes, tossing the note into the trashcan. _

_When I got home, Derek was on my couch, staring idly at the TV. A wave of guilt passed over me, but I quickly dismissed it as I made my way further into the room. "Hey buddy." I smile halfheartedly at his disheveled appearance. Apparently there was more to this story than Nancy let on._

_"Mark? Where have you been?" I was worried sick!" I knew he was worried, but it was still funny. Sometimes he's more like a dad than a best friend. _

_"Sorry. A friend had car trouble." _

_"Oh. And I'm sure she gave you many thanks." Derek chuckled, all of his worry disappearing from his face._

_"So why do you look like bambi?" I asked as I plopped down on the couch._

_"Addison is being unreasonable!" He pouted._

_"Of course she is, It's Addi." I laughed. "What specifically?"_

_"She wants me to go home with her next weekend to meet her family! We've only been going out for less than a year! Is that really necessary?" _

_"Derek, she's already met your family. And they all love her! How bad could it be?"_

_"You're taking her side? Figures. You two spend more time together than we do!" He huffed with a grin. _

_"No sides here, buddy. I'm completely 100 percent neutral. Just to be clear, I'm NOT going to meet Addison's parents with you."_

_"I'm not going!"_

_"Yes you are!"_

_"But.."  
_

_"No!"_

_"You're suppose to have my back, Mark!"_

_"I do! Right here!" _

_"I'm going to meet them next weekend, aren't I?" _

_"Yep."_

_"I hate you."_

_"I know."_

**And to this day he still wont speak to me**

I swear that I never meant to hurt Derek. He's the only person I've ever considered my family. He's my brother. He's partly my dad too. He's the only guy that's ever taken the time to teach me right from wrong. Well, Mr. Shepherd tried, but he passed when we were so young, I'd just turned twelve. My sperm donor spent my childhood in his office, probably with a bunch of women that weren't my mom. My mom spent her days in her bedroom with the curtains closed to block out the light, a spare bottle of Jack Daniels always under her bed if the one on her dresser ran empty. It wasn't until after she died that I was informed she was manic depressive. She refused to take medication. At least that's what Ron, the sperm donor, told me. I'll probably never know the whole story, but that's okay with me. Maybe it's better that way. Sometimes it's better to be in the dark about the painful stuff.

I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven for what I've put him through, but he'd fallen out of love with Addison, and he met Meredith, so really shouldn't he thanking me? I think he should. Not that I would ever say that to anyone.

The first time I came out here, I really thought he would realize how much he missed me, and would forgive me, and I thought Addison would look at me, and remember all the good times. I was very wrong. Now I'm back again, and except for the fact that Addison is now using me for sex, nothing has changed. Well between me and her anyway. I don't know if it's even worth me staying. But I have to try. I need my family back.

"Mark? What are you doing in here?" The voice only shook me from my thoughts slightly.

I didn't have to look up from my crumbled state against the wall of the supply closet to know the voice. I knew it better than almost anyone's. Almost.

"Do you know what today is?" I asked, tightening my grasp around my knees. I usually don't leave my bed on this day every year, but Webber apparently didn't believe my impersonation of the flu. Apparently Derek tried the same thing as well. Times like these I wish I was still in New York. Not having a boss was damn amazing.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! I think some thought it was a one shot, but it's not. If I had to guess I would say it was going to be 8-10 chapters. Anyway. More will be explained throughout the story. Enjoy! **

**I pawned my grandpa's old guitar in college  
For a case of beer and a tank of gasoline**

My grandfather was a busy man. I think I met him a total of three time my entire life. Being my mom's dad, he didn't feel it was necessary to keep in touch much, after all she was no longer a Dowell. He was, however, generous enough to always send money on birthdays and Christmas though, and for that, well, he was my favorite grandpa. I'd seen my dad's father tons of times, and never received a dime. He was a scrooge. Anyway, Grandpa D passed away my senior year in high school. Apparently he'd always wanted to be a musician, because in the will it stated that the guitar was his most prized possession, and he left it to me, his only grandson, with hopes that I would pursue his dreams. It was easy to see that he hadn't been around much. I can't carry a tune if my life depended on it. Either way, I took the guitar with a pleasant smile on my face, because quite frankly, what else was I suppose to do? Say 'Thanks, but no thanks' to a corpse?

College flew by. Can't say I remember much except the necessities. Anyway, by senior year my dad had cut my money supply off, making me get a job to pay for the apartment, and of course, my partying habits. That's not even mentioning the money I spent on dates. Okay, so I rarely actually took a girl out of my apartment, but I had the best of intentions to, some of the time. Anyway, even with the job, I was still strapped for cash until one day I found that guitar in the back of my closet. If I knew anything about my grandpa it was that he never settled for less than the best. I had every intention to get the guitar back on my next paycheck when I took it into the local pawn shop, but I didn't expect it to cost me $650 to do that. Needless to say, I never got it back. But it did pay for half the rent that month.

"How could I not?" She sighed, smoothing down her skirt before she lid down against the wall beside me. "I just thought this was the first year that it wouldn't overtake my life. Guess I'm not that lucky."

"You can go if you want." I quip back, if it was any other day, I probably would have made a joke, but I just can't today. Today is too important. Today is everything that is wrong in my life. Today is my fault. Today has been my biggest nightmare since I was twelve.

**I took a swing at my old man at Christmas**

_It'd been eight years, 1994 to be exact, since I'd talked to Ron when he called me last month. When he invited me to this family gathering, I thought it was a joke. I'd never known him to have a sense of humor though, so when he told me he'd already bought my plane ticket home for me, I was a little too shocked to refuse. Here I am, sitting in my rental car, also courtesy of Ron, staring up at the home that only strangers thought I was raised in. Anyone who knew me knew that my bedroom was located down the street at the Shepherd's home. _

_Before I drew the courage to open the door to the large house, it was opened for me by Betsy, my dad's.. third wife, I believe. Second one was annulled in three weeks. At least that's what I heard. I never met her. I did get an invitation to the wedding, but it was two weeks away, so I simply never responded. Derek didn't talk to me for two days for that stunt._

_"Marcus!" She squealed as she pulled me up against her chest, which I quickly concluded was fake. "I've heard so much about you, honey!" She continued, holding me at arms length as if I was a seven year old who she hadn't seen since my last birthday. Like she had anything to compare me to._

_"You too." I lied. Betsy Sanderson Sloan was her name, and that's about as much as my brain had retained about her. She was a bleach blonde to the point where her hair was a shade similar to Rons, who was fifteen years her senior, and her eyebrows gave away any hope she ever had of even trying to pretend she was a natural blonde twenty dyes ago. Her eyes were a pair of vibrant dark brown, a sharp contrast to mine as I saw the reflection in hers. They were wide with wonder, and I couldn't help but wonder if she thought this visit was actually going to be pleasant. Ron and I in the same room is never pleasant. You would think since they'd been married for two years, and that she'd never met me, she would know that. Apparently the dye is killing her brain cells. She would be an excellent case study for scientist studying that. Maybe I should call Eatonton in LA. Eh, another time. _

_"Your father has been so excited about your visit since you agreed. I can't tell you how much this means to him." I'd swear I saw a flicker of pain flash in her eyes, but then again it could have been one of her fake eyelashes that'd fallen out of place. Something I'm sure Ron condemned her for on their first date. Oddly enough, he hates the idea of plastic surgery. He believes it kills a part of your soul. Don't ask me how she got him to marry her. I guess when you have a rack like hers, it's easy to pretend that they aren't fake. Pretending is what he does best. _

_"He has?" I couldn't quite hide my shock. I'd never seen him excited about anything, except the Super bowl and World Series, and that was only around his drinking buddies from work. The only people in the world he gave the time of day to._

_"Of course!" She grabbed firmly onto my forearms, her eyes lingering a tad longer than I'd like considering she's married to the man that claims he raised me. _

_"Where is he, exactly?" I stepped away from her grasp as natural as possible, trying not to make this conversation any more awkward than already required. My mom, may she rest in peace, tried her best with me, and I know that. She was sick, and I can't hold that against her. Plus she was the reason I met Mrs. Shepherd, so for that, I will always be indebted to her. Betsy would make my mother turn in her grave with boiling blood. She was everything my mother hated, and sometimes I wonder if my mom could see me now, would she hate me as well? It'd been an answer I didn't look to find ever since I decided I wanted to go into plastics. _

_"He's in his library, dear. But dinner is almost ready, so you might want to go wash up." She smiled softly at me, and it was hard not to return the gesture. It seemed she truly cared for him, a concept I found incredibly hard to understand. _

_"Thanks." I nod, making my way into the hall bathroom, immediately splashing cold water on my face. I couldn't help but wish Derek and Addison had came with me. It would be so much easier to survive through. But they said I needed to survive this one on my own. Besides, they were down the street at home. I wish I was at home. I sigh as I hear a knock on the door._

_"Yeah?" I call out, glancing momentarily at the door knob, expecting it to open, but was wrong._

_"Dinner is ready, Marcus." Betsy informed me, I could barely hear her over the running water, but I made my way out either way after turning the faucet handle to the left, ignoring the sadness I heard once again in her voice. Ron had probably yelled at her for something. I almost felt bad for her. Almost. To the outside world, he was an A class citizen, to me he was just another face in my baby book that my mom gave me right before she died. He was just Ron. _

_I made my way into the kitchen to find that he was already sitting at the end of the table that was already set. "Hey pops." I tried my best to smile at him as I made me way closer._

_"Hey Son." He smiled somewhat warmly at me as he gestured to the seat on his left, and like an obedient child, something I'd never been, I nodded and did as I was told. "Merry Christmas." _

_"You too." I nod to him and Betsy, my eyes darting to the food in front of me, trying to ignore the realization of just how awkward this dinner was going to be. "Looks great." I add. Truthfully, it looks awful, something a vegetarian would eat. As I look around the table, I realize that, in fact, there are no meats. Great, I thought, gritting my teeth. I bet Derek is eating a 16 oz steak well done, along with a baked potato seasoned to perfection, accompanied with three scoops of butter that only Teresa can make seem tasty. And Addison, well Addison is probably eating a salad with extra tomatoes, while watching him eat it with envy. Something about trying a new diet Oprah suggested. Like that woman really needs to lose weight. She's already a rail. _

_"How's that god-awful business of yours going, Marcus?" He snarled slightly, and I couldn't stop the tight grip my fists had formed against my fork. He couldn't just let it go and be happy that I'm a successful surgeon, and not some homeless bum living on the streets._

_"Excellent. Thanks for asking." I notice Betsy swallow harshly, and I realize that it's not just me that gets criticized for everything. Yet she stays, I don't understand why. One visit a decade is more than enough for me._

_"Do you have a lucky lady?" I couldn't stop Addison from flashing through my mind, no matter how brief the moment was. She's the only girl that is a constant in my life, but I'm pretty sure my dad isn't talking about Derek's wife, so I simply shake my head no. He doesn't even try to hide the disappointment in his face._

_"You should settle down. You can't be a bachelor you're entire life, son!" He stated in an even tone, which made me even angrier. _

_"Oh. So I can be like you? No thanks, dad!" I quip back, not letting the sarcasm of the last word got unnoticed for even a second._

_"Boys!" Betsy tried to quiet the war that was starting to rage, but it was no use, we were simply too different. "Let's just enjoy this dinner, sha'll we?"_

**Please let me know what ya'll thought!**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Warning: There is a little bit of foul language in this chapter. Advance apology. There is also a flashback in the ongoing flashback.. so its going to be bolded to distinguish it. I only got one review last chapter, so I hope people are still reading. **  
_

_I watched as he stood up, pressing his knuckles firmly against the cherry wood table, causing his skin to turn a ghostly shade of white, and for the first time I notice that he doesn't seem nearly as big and strong as I recall, but I shake it off to the fact that I work out five times a week, at least. Here we go, I rolled my eyes at him, digging my fork deep into the vegetarian lasagna that only made want to gag for the first five seconds before the feeling passed. "What's so wrong with my life?" Even with the ghostly appearance of his hands, and the raging red hints of his cheeks, his voice was eerily calm, scaring me more than any yell or scream could have. _

_"Let's start with the fact that you don't even know your own son!" I quip back, refusing to back down from this battle. _

_"I know enough to know that you've royally screwed up every opportunity I've ever given you at making a name for yourself!" With this, my feet sprung to action, bringing me to my feet, casting a shadow a good two inches above his head. _

_"I'm a surgeon, Ron! People travel all over the country just for me to have a consult with them! I've made a name for myself, whether you like it or not! Get over it!" _

_"Filling women's breasts with foreign material does NOT make an appealing reputation, Marcus!" His eyes were blazing with anger, probably a mirror to my own, before I knew it, my right fist impacted his left eye, causing him to fall back into his seat. _

_"Fuck you!" I yell before lowering my voice to Betsy. "I.. I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas, Betsy." I offered a small frown before making my way out of the kitchen and out of the house, much like I'd seen Ron do countless time. This time, I wasn't planning on ever returning._

_In a matter of minutes I'm all but slamming the door to my real home, stalking my way into the kitchen to find that everyone was at the table, and Addison was sitting in my usual spot enjoying what appears to be a bowl of salad. I knew it. I casted only a small glance to the rest of the inhabitants of the room before turning around making my way upstairs to my room. Well, mine and Derek's room. _

_It was only a couple of seconds after I'd made myself comfortable on the bed that I heard the door squeak, announcing someone's presence. _

_"Mark?" I turned my head around to the other side of the room to see Addison standing there. _

_"Hey Addi." I frown, only moving over just enough for her to lay down beside me._

_"Guessing it didn't go well, huh babe?" She sighed, taking the available space beside me._

_"Oh. It was terrific. He basically called me a worthless failure that will never amount to anything in my life." I ran my fingers roughly over my face. "Maybe he's right."_

_"What? Mark! You can't believe that! You're a surgeon!" She cooed, placing a hand on my arm for support._

_"I enhance breasts, Addison." _

_"That is not all you do, and we both know it. Remember Lucy from last month? Because of you, she might actually get to live a normal life. She wasn't even supposed to smile again, Mark. You did that! Just because Ron is a snake doesn't mean you have to listen to him. I mean it, Mark. It's Christmas. No self loathing on Christmas." _

_I couldn't help but smile as I look at her. "But I'm so good at it. Well, according to my therapist."_

_"Get a new one." She rolled her eyes at me. "Hire me." She grinned, casting only a tiny smile to give away the joke._

_"Hey! I spend 400 an hour on her, she is good!" _

_"She's obviously not helping any!" She quipped back. "400 dollars, Mark? Please tell me, you're kidding?"_

_"Um. I'm kidding?" I glance at her for a moment before receiving a slap on my arm. "That's stupid, Mark. Why would you spend that kind of money to tell someone stuff that you already tell me?"_

_"Would it be wrong if I said she's good in bed?" I raise my eyebrows suggestively at her before casting her a smile._

_"You are so awful, Mark. Really. How are we friends?"_

_"You love me." I grin turning on my side to pull her closer to me._

_"Yeah Yeah." She closes her eyes for a minute before opening them again. "We should get back downstairs." Her voice was much more serious now, causing me to release my hold on her._

_"You go. I'm just going to stay up here for a little bit." I nod my head at her as I watch her get up from the bed._

_"Ms. T is not going to be happy with you. She's already made you a plate."_

_That caught my attention. "Steak?" _

_"Yep and a baked potato just the way you like it." _

_"Well, it would be wrong for me to let it go to waste." I smile as I sit up on the bed._

_"Yeah. That's what I thought." She grinned, outstretching her hand for me to take._

**I never dreamed that it would be his last**

_The next day, I opened the Shepherd's door to find Betsy, a woman I never thought I would see again, in hysterical tears. If it wasn't for Ms. T standing behind me, I might possibly have shut the door on her, but my guilt for ruining her Christmas won over, and I opened the door a little wider to allow her to enter. "What are you doing here Betsy?" _

_"It.. It's your dad." I barely understood her in between her sobs, but I knew I'd heard right when I felt Ms. T's hands grasp my arm for support._

_"What about him?" I asked, even though I'm not sure I spoke above a whisper._

_"He.. He's in the hospital, Marcus. I.. the doctors.. the doctors don't think he has long." _

_**I was grounded- again. My math teacher had sent a note home to my dad telling him that I didn't pass Chapter seven test. He blamed it to the fact that I was spending too much time down the street at Michael's, Derek's dad, house. I told him he was nuts, he told me I was under house arrest. I didn't think it was a fair trade. Mike was supposed to take us to the Yankees game that night, so when I called Derek and told him the news, Mike got on the phone and assured me that he would go talk to my dad about it. Surely he would realize how hard the tickets had been to get, and let me go with them. I hung up the phone reluctantly so that he could go to my dad's office, while I went to shower. Mike was very persuasive, and I was now certain that I was going to get to go after all. **_

_**Two hours passed, and I still hadn't heard anything from my dad, or Derek. I was pretty defeated as I plopped myself, quietly not to disturb my mom, on my bed, and stared up at the ceiling. Missing the game seemed like the worst thing to happen since the world wars Mrs. Johnson was always talking about. **_

_**I must have fallen asleep waiting, because I jolted up quickly when I heard a faint knock on my door. Slightly afraid that it was my dad informing me of his anger that I 'made' Michael go all the way down to his office to rethink his decision. I hesitantly whispered a faint "come in" before my dad's shadow overtook one of my walls. **_

_**"Marcus?" He spoke softly, throwing me off completely.**_

_**"Yeah, dad?" I whimper, completely uncertain whether I should be afraid or happy. **_

_**"Derek's here to see you." The longer he stood in my door, the more confused I got. Why would he tell me that Derek was here? Derek had never been one to knock, even at my door. Plus, shouldn't Derek be gone to the Yankees game? **_

_**"Oh. Okay." I nod, sitting up on my bed, throwing my legs over the side. When I looked back up, Derek was standing at my doorway, his eyes red and puffy. Once he'd stepped in, my dad shut the door behind him. It was another five minutes before either of us spoke again.**_

_**"What ya doing here, Derek? I'm going to kick your ass if you skipped that damn game because I failed a test!" I let out a small laugh, but it gets caught in my throat as Derek's body crumbles to my floor, loud sobs escaping his mouth. "D.. Derek?"**_

_**"He.. He's in the hospital, Mark. I.. the doctors.. the doctors don't think he has long." For the first time since he'd stepped in my room, Derek looked into my eyes, but mine were too teary for him to see them clearly. This had to be a dream. **_

_**"No. You.. you don't mean it, Derek. SAY YOU DON'T MEAN IT!" I yelled, falling to the floor as well.**_

_**"He was going to your dad's office, and someone ran a red light. They hit him, Mark. They hit my dad." He continued, completely ignoring my demands. I continued to shake my head, no. This couldn't be happening. **_

_**"Stop it, Derek. I mean it. Shut the hell up. You don't know what you're talking about" I was going to wake up any second. I just knew it. Daddy couldn't be in the hospital. He couldn't die. I.. I needed him.**_

_**"I just came to see if you wanted to go with me to the hospital." He whispered as his fingers roughly removed the tears from his face. **_

_**This was my fault. He wouldn't have ever gotten into the accident if I wouldn't have failed that test. "I.. I can't. It's my fault." I couldn't bring myself to wipe away the tears. **_

_**I could tell in that moment that Derek wanted so badly to argue, but he couldn't, and we both knew it.**_

_**"It's going to be okay, Mark." Derek nodded, trying to comfort me. Derek had always been the one to put me together, I didn't know how to put him together. **_

_**"We should probably get going now, huh?" I sighed, knowing that I would never forgive myself if I didn't go. **_

_**"Yeah." He agreed, standing up, once again wiping away his tears before refusing to let any more fall. Unlike me, he was actually successful at the task. "Come on Mark." Just like a disciplined child, I followed him out of my house, only turning around briefly once we were outside to find that Ron had already closed the door before I waved goodbye. **_

_"What.. What happened?" I choked out, shaking the memories out of my mind. By the time I realized what was happening, Derek and Addison were both at my side. Addison had, quite easily, cuddled herself into my arms, her head resting on my shoulder, and Derek was standing between her and Teresa. _

_"Well.. it's not really my place to tell you, Marcus." She looked down to the hardwood floor of the foyer._

_"Betsy, for the love of God, tell me." I insist. I have no patience. I am very well aware. I'm very impulsive. _

_"He invited you over to tell you." She continued, and it was everything I could do not to yell at her. She'd probably have a nervous breakdown._

_"Betsy.." Ms. T cooed, stepping towards the woman. "What's going on with Ronald?"_

_"He.. He has a brain tumor that's inoperable." Addison's grasp on me seemed to tighten, but mine fell loose. Brain tumor? _

_"How long?" Derek asked, the surgeon in him coming out full throttle. Get one rave review in the medical journal, and suddenly you're George Clooney of Medicine. Okay, maybe it was a lot more than one, but it it still funny to me to watch him morph into doctor mode._

_"About a month." My mind wondered back to the night before, his tired and disheveled appearance, his leaning against the table. He actually let me punch him. How did I not notice?_

_"You should go, Mark." Addison whispered into my ear, even though she didn't release me from her grip. I turned to Derek who looked at me sadly, knowing what I'd been thinking about the entire time._

_"I'll go with you." He nodded his head to the question I couldn't bring myself to ask. _

_"I.. I.. I can't." I shook my head, trying to make them understand. I worked in a hospital, I couldn't go into one not as a doctor. I couldn't go in one without being able to atleast try to save the day._

**Please let me know what you think!!!**_  
_


	4. Chapter 4

**I wish mom had rung my neck  
When she caught me with them cigarettes**

_My mother died when I was sixteen. A sophomore in high school. Police said it was an accident. I think it was a suicide. I was never home, and she was left there with Ron. After her funeral, my dad started taking even more business trips, leaving me to fend for myself. If I hadn't moved in with Derek before, I definitely did afterwards. On the month anniversary of her death, I walked into the Shepherd's foyer after spending a good three hours at a bar on the outskirts of town that knew damn well that my ID was fake. I'd downed two entire bottles of Jack Daniels before I drove back home. I was greeted at the stairwell by Ms. T. A smile was no where to be found on her face as her left toe tapped rythmically against the hardwood floor, her arms were securely locked across her chest as she took a step towards me, the scowl not varying at all._

_"Hello Marcus." She snarled slightly, causing me to unintentionally gulp, taking a step back towards the doorway._

_"Hey Ma." I try to show her my trademark smile to lighten the lashing, but it was obvious after about two seconds that it wasn't going to help me at all. _

_"Have fun tonight?" Her voice was unnaturally steady, making it very difficult to swallow the rather large lump in my throat._

_"Yeah. It was alright." I continue to step back until my back hits the door. "What you doing up?'_

_"Oh me? That's a funny story, really." She made her way towards me, her hands on her hips._

_"Oh yeah? Why's that?" I begin to fumble with my fingers behind my back._

_"You see, there's this kid that stays here that I happen to care about very much, you see, and tonight he decided to sneak out of his window after he was told it was a bad idea to leave tonight, and apparently went and got smashed at some bar that doesn't know how much sleep I lose when I don't know where my kids are. And THEN this kid drives home DRUNK! Do you know what could have happened tonight, Marcus? No? Let me tell you! Anything! You could have gotten hurt! You could have hurt someone!" She continued to rant until she was less than two feet in front of me before raising her hand and bopping my head. "What the hell were you thinking?" Her voice elevated to a scream by the end of the rant. _

_"I'm sorry, Ma. I didn't mean to worry you. I just.. I just needed to get out. Nothing happened. Don't worry about me, Okay?" I smile by best smile as I place a kiss on her cheek. _

_"I'm not some lovesick teenager Mark. Your little swooning smile doesn't work on Ms. T. I was worried sick. No matter how happy I am that you are okay does not change the fact that you might not have been!" She couldn't quite stop the smile from forming on her lips. She tried her best to refrain from calling her his son, especially after his mother died, but God knows she thought of him as one of her own. _

_"I'm sorry, Ma. Really." I kiss her other cheek before stepping to the side to make my way to the stairwell. _

_"Not so fast, Charmer!" She calls out, causing me to wince before turning around, once again giving my best innocent smile. _

_"Yes Ma'am?" _

_"You're going to eat a sandwich before you go to bed. We have church in five hours, whether you have a splitting headache or not." She grabs my arm, dragging me into the kitchen, instantly planting me in a stool._

_"Ma!" I whine as I watch her open the fridge. "I'm good. Really. You should go to bed!" _

_"Are you trying to tell me I need my beauty sleep, boy?" She narrows her eyes on me for a moment before I quickly shake my head._

_"No ma'am." _

_"That's what I thought!" She smiles at me before continuing to spread the mayo on the bread._

_"What's going on in here?" Derek walks into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Uh oh!" He blew out a big puff of air before turning back towards the door. _

_"YOU TOLD HER!" I called out, causing him to turn around with guilt written all over her face._

_"I did not! She came to check on you!" He insists, but quickly folds after a minute. "Fine. She wouldn't let Amy come over to watch a movie, and so I spilled. Sue me!" He grinned, turning back to the door and walking out._

_"Traitor." I mumble as the plate gets placed in front of me._

_"It was in your best interest that I was awake, Marcus. Now eat, I suggest you be in bed in the next 15 minutes with a full stomach." She glared at me before placing all the ingredients back into the fridge. Once she was done, she walked over to my side of the counter. "See you in the morning, baby." She grins as she kisses my cheek. "Church is suppose to run long tomorrow, so make sure you wake up early to be ready." She winks at me before making her way out of the kitchen._

_"Great."_

**Which reminds me, I'm down to my last pack**

_"You can go if you want." I quip back, if it was any other day, I probably would have made a joke, but I just can't today. Today is too important. Today is everything that is wrong in my life. Today is my fault. Today has been my biggest nightmare since I was twelve._

"I need a drink." My voice seemed to echo off the walls, and for a moment I wasn't even sure she heard me.She just simply nodded.

"You know.. I didn't know you guys, obviously, when Derek's dad passed away, but I'll never forget the weekend we went back after we got engaged. Ms. T was so incredibly excited about it, and she kept me in that living room for five hours straight going through pictures. Mostly of him. I remember thinking how odd it was that the captions always read 'Michael and the boys'. I mean I knew you two were best friends, obviously, but I don't guess I ever realized how much you depended on his family, as well as him." Her voice was raspy, and if I had the courage to look at her, I would probably see tears forming in her eyes, but I can't do that, because it hurts. She's just someone else who left me in the dust.

"He was my dad." I sigh, trying my best not to let tears escape. After all, she was still Addison.

"I.. I know, Mark." Addi sighed, bringing her hand to my arm, providing a light squeeze. "I know that now."

"It was my fault, ya know? His death? He died because of me. No matter what he said. It's true." I bow my head to gain my composure.

"What do you mean, what he said?"

"I was the last person to see him before he died in the hospital. We were alone. I didn't know what to do." For the first time, I finally looked her way, my tears finally brimming over onto my cheeks. "I was only 12, Addi. I didn't know how to save him."

She pulled me into her arms, and whispered comforting, well at least I assume, words into my ear, but I didn't listen. There wasn't anything she could say that would make me feel better. "You should talk to Derek, ya know? He's the only person who can help you today."

"Too bad he probably wouldn't care if I died." I sigh, wiping my cheeks against the sleeve of my scrub top.

"That's not true, Mark. You two are.. you two are family. Families stick together in times of need." Her fingers ran through my hair, and I remember why I lost my family. Because of her.

"It's my fault he hates me too." I can hear her breath get caught in her throat as she lays her head on my shoulder.

"I should have told him. He's just.. he's Derek, ya know?"

"So I've heard."


	5. Chapter 5

**If I had a dime  
For half the things I did  
That didn't make no sense at all  
I'd be living a little higher on the hall**

A good ten minutes passed in complete silence, Addison's head still rested comfortably on my shoulder. It was actually calming. It felt normal. I haven't felt normalcy in so long. I've craved it. The normalcy quickly disppeared, replaced by a disturbing familiarity. Derek opened the door, bringing in the hated light of the outside world that I didn't care for. Thankful we weren't doing anything wrong, I didn't even look up at him, I just continued to stare at the floor. Surprisingly Addison didn't budge either. It took every ounce of me not to smile, but I didn't, because getting my hopes up about her wasn't something I needed.I couldn't handle being let down.

To continue the surprise streak, Derek didn't leave when he saw us in the room. He quickly, but quietly shut the door behind him, locking it, before making his way towards us, stopping just before he reached the back wall, and slid down against one of the poles of the metal cabinets. Neither of us spoke, simply because there wasn't anything either of us could say. Maybe he'd known I was in there. Or maybe he was just too tired and sad to care.

I don't know how much time passed before anyone spoke again, but I know that it was Addison who broke the drowning silence. It was always Addison, because Addison hated silence, it eventually made her squirm untill she either had to leave, or begin a completely pointless story about something no one would ever care about. It was one of the things I'd grown to love about her, because Addison hated leaving things undone. She was a bit OCD in that way. It was obvious that there was an etnire conversation that was being avoided, and she refused to let that remain.

"Is it weird that I feel like I knew him?" She asked softly, and although I knew she was being sincere and honest, it made me slightly angry because the more the time passes, the more I realize how much I didn't know him. Sure I knew he had blue eyes, eyes that Derek had inevitably inherited from him, and I knew that he was an adament Yankees fan, even though I once found a Red Sox hat on the mantel place in the living room. I know he said his favorite meal was homemade lasagna, but sometimes I wonder if he just said that because it was MY favorite meal, because I swear every time he requested it, Derek always gave him the oddest glances.

I couldn't bring myself to answer her because I didn't understand how she could. Me and Derek rarely, if ever, spoke about him, even on this day of every year. We remembered and mourned, and when we were alone, we recalled the occasional good memory, but Addison couldn't know about those. Addison wouldn't know about those, because Derek never let her get that close. He said it was to protect her from the pain, even though it was probably the other way around.

"Why?" Derek asked, and I'd be lying to say that I wasn't surprised. I honestly didn't expect him to answer her either. Apparently Addison was surprised as well because even though she didn't remove her head from the nook of my neck, I could feel her twitch slightly before answering.

"I guess you're mom. When you two used to go to Stan's for a drink, she would always tell me a story about him. Always- without fail. Sometimes they were stories that I'd heard countless times, but every now and then, she'd tell me a new story. A story that just made me know that he was a good guy, and that he loved her, and that.." Her voice cracked slightly before she trailed off, causing both of us to look at her.

"And what?" I asked as softly as possible. I always found it odd how much Ma took to Addison. I always thought she was everything she didn't want for Derek, but maybe she saw something in her that made her change her mind. She knew how much I cared about Addison before I even did. I mean sure, Addison was, well is, absolutely gorgeous, and we'd always been good friends, but one day I was at Ma's house, and I was telling her one story or another about Addison, and she stopped me midstory, covering her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide open in shock. She shook her head for a good five minutes before begging me to tell her it wans't so.

Needless to say, I was a little confused. When she finally told me that it was obvious that I'd fallen for Addison, I quickly retorted that she was crazy! It was Addison- Derek's fiance, at the time. I tossed and turned in bed that night for an hour, and I was so mad that she made me question how I felt for her. I was perfectly happy and content in ignorant bliss before then, never lost any sleep about it untill then.

We only talked about it once more after that day, and it was Derek's wedding day. She simply walked over to my seat at the main table, you know since I was the best man, and lowered her head to my ear and whispered that she was proud of me, and yet she was sincerely sorry. Something in her voice told me she knew more than she was saying, but I let it go, because a moment later, Addison walked up and asked me to dance. How could I have refused the bride's wishes, and how could I ignore any opportunity I got to hold her in my arms? I just couldn't. Suddenly I was so thankful that Derek had four sisters that he'd all promised to save a dance for.

"And I knew that if Derek loved me half as much as he loved her, then we'd last forever." The words abrasively brought me out of my daydream to find that tears were spewing from her eyes. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but those scars weren't mine to heal. I glanced towards Derek to find that his eyes were teary as well, a look of utterly sincere guilt and apology written all over his face.

"Addi.." he began, but she'd already removed her head from my shoulder to shake her head, warning him not to continue. Standing up as quickly as possible, considering she was wearing even higher heels than usual. I have no idea how she walks around the hospital all day in those.

"Please don't. It's my fault. I should go." She wiped away the betraying tears, leaving her face looking oddly refreshed. I guess she'd had one too many years of practice of hiding her tears.

"Addi! Wait!" I sigh, grabbing onto her wrists to stop her, just in case Derek actually wanted to say something. She deserved every word of agonizing apology he could offer, and he needed it let it go as well.

Derek glanced at me a moment, casting a very small smile before looking back up at Addison, who was still standing up fidgeting with her skirt, probably praying that I would loosen my grip so she could run away.

"Please Addison. Just give me a minute. Alright?" Derek spoke softly, standing up so that he would be closer to eye level with her.

**If only I'd've known  
That later on down the road  
I'd look back and not like what I see**

_Ms. T rushed us into the ER, if it wasn't for her strong grip, I'm certain we would have gotten lost in the crowd, and she wouldn't have even noticed. I could hear people talking, but I couldn't make anything out. I was just waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Before I knew it, we'd gone to the fourth floor, and had stopped in front of room 438. She'd told us to wait outside until she called for us, and we readily agreed. Neither of us were ready to see him laying on that bed. _

_"Everything is going to be fine, Mark. It's dad. He's the strongest guy I know. He can make it." Derek repeated the phrase to me for about the twentieth time. I still wasn't sure. I wanted to believe it, but all I could hear in my head is that it was my fault. If he died, it would be on me. _

_"I'm sorry Derek." I spoke for the first time since we'd left my bedroom. "I knew I should have studied for that test. I knew it. But mom was crying again. I couldn't leave her. I'm sorry. You have to believe me." Derek was the only person who knew what my mom was like besides my dad. If it was anyone else was around, she dabbed on some makeup and put a smile on her face. Even though I knew it was fake, I still preferred it to the woman I'd grown accustomed to._

_"You have nothing to be sorry about. I should have helped you study anyway. Lucy was just being a pain in the ass." Lucy was Derek's new girlfriend. Apparently she was his first kiss too, even though he'd probably never admit it to me. I don't even remember the name of my first kiss. _

_"Boys?" Mom's voice echoed in my ears before I noticed her standing in the doorway. She had tears in her eyes. If I didn't know any better, I would have sworn I was standing in quick sand. I would have preferred it. At least that would have been my own demise. Dad didn't deserve this. He was the greatest person I knew. _

_My eyes finally met hers, and tears instantly spewed from them as I buried my face into her side. "Please don't hate me, ma. Please."_

_"Sweetheart, I could never hate you." She cooed softly into my ear before she bent down so that she was eye level with me. Running her hands through my disheveled hair before wiping the tears from my cheeks. "Mr. Mike couldn't either."  
_

_"But it's my fault." I whimpered, my eyes traveling to the doorway that Derek had slipped into without me even noticing. _

_"Sometimes these things just happen, baby. It's not anyone's fault. You have to know that." _

_"I'm scared, ma." I cried, wrapping my arms around her neck._

_"I know, baby. Mike wants to see you when you're ready. Okay?" She held onto me for a few moments before pulling away._

_"I don't think I can." I shake my head at her, trying to make her understand._

**I'd've changed a lot of things  
Startin' with me**

"You know I loved you so much, Addi. In fact, when we got married, I was certain I loved you enough for the both of us. Even if you didn't love me the same way, I just knew that what I felt was enough." He was rambling, and we all knew it, but that didn't change the fact that what he said hurt us all. I'd found myself telling myself that countless times after he left New York, but I was wrong. It wasn't enough.

"Derek, what are you talking about? I lo.. I loved you too!" Her tears were retaking their place on her cheeks, and this time she made no effort to hide them. I knew I shouldn't be listening, that I should leave, but I couldn't. I was here first! Besides, maybe it would help me as well.

I watched on as Derek shook his head, grabbing her hands in his. I swear if I witness a freaking Derek/Addison reunion, the damn interns of this hospital are going to be paying like hell for it, right after I rid the contents of my stomach in the nearest bathroom for two hours. "You wanted to love me, Addi. Like you said, my dad was the ultimate romantic. And you wanted that. And maybe a part of you loved me, but you didn't love me the way you should ha.. the way I needed you to."

I felt like kicking him where it hurts. What the hell? She killed my baby because she wanted it to be his! If that's not love, then what the hell is? I swear if she wasn't here, I'd kick his ass.

"D.. Derek.. You've got it all wrong!" She sniffed quietly as she removed her hands from his grasp. I can't say that I blame her, he is with Meredith now after all. It'd be a little twisted if she became the other woman now. Might as well go ahead and shoot me now. Seriously. Anyone got a gun? A scalpel would be fine too. This place has lots of those. Yeah. A scalpel.Oh that's right, you guys are too busy being mushy, like a couple. NEWSFLASH! YOU'RE DIVORCED!

He shakes his head, no, as he takes a deep breath. "On our wedding day, my mom came to talk to me." This caught my attention. Surely it wasn't about me, right? Ma wouldn't do that to me. "She was going on and on about how proud my dad would be, and how proud she was that I met someone and had settled down. I felt so confident and so incredibly happy that after she left, I went to find you. I knew it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but I was so certain that no matter what life threw at us, we could fight it off together." A genuine smile crossed his face, and I was seriously contemplating paging Meredith right then. If I had to witness a freaking reunion, why should I have to do it alone? Two broken hearts is better than one right? But I fought off the urge as the smile disappeared replaced by a face riddled with sadness.

"I didn't see you before the wedding." Addison's face quickly fell as soon as the words fell from her mouth, and I wanted nothing more than to scream at her WHAT. I hate that I'm the clueless one here. I'm on a need to know everything basis with everyone. What the hell is going on?

"I got to the door before I heard her voice. I stood there for a good five minutes. I knew I shouldn't listen, but she just seemed sad, so different from the tone she'd spoken to me in just minutes before. I just stood there, transfixed by the conversation, almost praying that someone would see me and usher me away to somewhere I should have been. But they didn't." His head fell to the ground, seemingly staring at his shoes before he looked at me. I'd known Derek practically my entire life, and never, not once, have I ever seen him look at me that way. It wasn't a look of anger, or sadness, or hatred, or even brotherly love. He just looked defeated, and all I could do was lower my eyes. Suddenly unsure if I wanted to know the rest of the story after all. But I didn't have much of a choice, because I could still feel his eyes on me. My muscles involuntarily tightened as I braced myself for what was to come.

"Derek.. I can explain." She mumbled, barely above a whisper. I kept my eyes to the ground, or more specifically the tile that was exactly two tiles to the left of my hand. It had a discoloration on it compared to the other tiles, and suddenly it seemed much more worthy of my attention than the conversation going on barely two feet in front of me.

"You know I didn't even realize who you were talking about until I was up at the alter. I mean I knew it wasn't me, obviously because my mom wouldn't have been upset about that, but never in any of my mind's wild rampages of names did my damn BEST friend's name pop in." My eyes instantly shot up in surprise. They were talking about me? I tried to meet Addi's gaze, but her head was turned the other way, and I guess Derek was surprised by my features, because he gave me a weird look, but turned his attention back to Addison before I could distinguish it.

"You've got it all wrong, Derek." Addison grasped for his hands quickly, but he placed them behind his back before she could reach them, which I found odd since he'd began his speech holding hers, rather carefully at that. I felt like I was ten years old feeling guilty about looking an adult magazine. I shouldn't be here, and yet I couldn't bring myself to leave. Why the hell can't I leave? Apparently I'm even more self destructive than even my therapists thought.

He was completely ignoring her now, his eyes desperately memorizing the contents of a basket just behind Addison's head. "You were walking down the aisle. My god, you were breath taking, Addison. You had tears running down your cheeks, and yet no make up smears to show for them, and your dress clung to your body in an unnaturally perfect way. All I could do was smile because I loved you so much, and you were marrying ME. Not whoever else that you were talking about with my mom, you were going to be mine. My dreams were coming true. And you made it up to the steps, and the tear flow just got heavier, and I tried and I tried to convince myself that they were tears of joy, but as soon as your dad lifted your veil, and I looked into your eyes. I knew they weren't. You were sad. You didn't want to marry me. And I couldn't help but hope in an odd way that whoever the guy was would just stop the wedding. But they didn't. The wedding went on without a hitch. You even managed to smile at me during our vows. With the exception of the quick glance behind my back before you said I do, I would have thought I was imagining it all in my head. But I wasn't. You were looking at HIM!" His voice esculated to a yell, and his finger was pointed directly at me.

I'm sure my mouth was opened in shock. Surely he was wrong, Addison didn't love me back then. She wouldn't have made me watch them be happy for so many years if she loved me all along. She wouldn't do that to me. I simply shook my head. "There's no way, man." I spoke softly, for the first time since it'd happened. "Addison never loved me." Mostly because I'm not capable of being loved. I ruin everything good in my life. It's just a fact, and Addison is no different. I couldn't bring myself to look at Addison because whether she admitted or rejected the accusation, it was going to hurt. I didn't need anymore pain in my life. Not today.

"Oh no?" His voice was eerily calm as he met my gaze, you wouldn't even be able to tell that he had tears falling from the tip of his chin onto his scrub tops. "Then why the hell was she looking at you, Mark!?" I forcefully swallowed the lump in my throat as I continued to shake my head.

"She loved you! Why the hell do you think she's here? She sure as hell didn't come here for me!" I was angry now, and it was mostly at him. She loved him despite his obvious fault, one major one being that he didn't love her anymore. "I would kill for her to look at me the way she looked at you, Derek! So don't try and tell me that she loved me!" It was only then that I realized that Addison had moved backwards so that she was leaning against the cabinet, her head buried into her hands. "TELL HIM, ADDISON!" I yelled, he had to be wrong. He had to be. I don't remember her looking at me, but then again, even though I was the best man, I couldn't really watch them get married. My eyes strayed from the random guests to the crowd, to my feet, to Ma, and then to the crowd again. Anything to drown out what was really happening. The only girl I've ever loved, even though I'd only recently realized it, was marrying my best friend. Who has the stomach to watch that? The speech at the reception was hard enough.

I stared at her untill she gave me an answer. She finally stood up straight, shaking her head. "This wasn't suppose to happen."

"What are you talking about?" My voice cracked, and I did nothing to stop it. Why wasn't she correcting him? She only slept with me because Derek wasn't around. Because I'd made myself vulnerable to her. Because I let my compliments become too frequent. Because I took advantage. Derek had it all wrong. Why wasn't she telling him the truth.

"Derek. .you have to understand. I didn't WANT to feel that way." Oh my god. He was right. and Ma knew! How could she not tell me? How could she not stop the wedding?

"BUT YOU DID!" He yelled at her, and I was envious that he could talk at all. I. .I.. I can't believe this is happening. Our whole relationship has been a lie.

"Addi.." I rub my temples to rid myself of the migraine that was bound to come at any moment. "You don't have to lie, okay? You didn't like me back then. I know that. It's okay." I didn't even look at her, because I knew if I did it would completely crumble the wall of denial I'd built around me.

"Like you didn't know!" Derek scoffed as his eyes blazed into my skin, causing me to finally look up. "You just ended up in my bed because she didn't love you. RIGHT!" He snarled at me, and I could do nothing but shake my head.

"TEN YEARS LATER!" I yelled out, not even caring about the tears that were sprouting out of my eyes. "Someone better tell me what the hell is going on here! You guys married 12 years ago! Addison and I happened two years ago!"

Derek's eyes visibly softened as he took a step forward, but quickly backed into his original position. "You really didn't know?"

"Of course he didn't know!" Addison finally spoke as she took a step toward me,bending down to land on her knees, grabbing onto my hands. "I'm so sorry, Mark. I.. I just couldn't. You.. you were Mark.. Derek's.. everything. and I loved Derek too. It wouldn't have been fair. Derek.. he promised me the world on a silver platter, and I believed him. I believed that he would make me happy. Mark.. you weren't ready for the things I wanted in my life. You just. you didn't want me." I couldn't help but look at her, she was broken, and I wanted to fix her so badly, but I couldn't even fix myself. How was I suppose to fix her. I, reluctantly, looked away from her to Derek for some type of guide as to what I was suppose to do. Derek was the one with the speeches. I had the one liners and he could talk a deaf man to death. He simply shrugged his shoulders at me before making his way to the door.

"Derek! wait!" I call out, almost robotically before my eyes travel back to Addison. Damnit. Here I am again. Crossroads between Addison and Derek. What the hell do I do now?


	6. Chapter 6

**So I finally have all of this story written out, it has 8 chapters! I think you'll be happy with the ending:) **

**I called my brother everything I could think of  
The night he wouldn't bail me out of jail**

_It's been eight hours since the newly weds left the church. Six since I did. I ended up at a bar that I'd never been to before, and hit on a woman that I apparently shouldn't have. A black eye, handcuffs, and a backseat ride to the police station later, Here I am. Using my one phone call to call Derek. Who was suppose to be leaving for his honeymoon in a few hours. I'm aware that he was about the worst person to call, and it was probably the worst timing considering marriage rituals. But I didn't know who else to call. I had no one else to call. _

_"You better be dying, Sloan." An obviously annoyed Derek answers the phone, and I can't help but take a moment to hold back the vomit as he struggles to catch this breath, several mumbles in the background. _

_"I'm in jail." I sigh, knowing that Derek was going to be upset with me. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time this had happened. How was I suppose the girl had a biker boyfriend who'd just gone to the mens room? _

_"I'm not picking you up tonight, Mark. I told you last time that it was the last time AND it's my wedding night!" I can hear Addison rustle around, obviously concerned about me, and I can even hear, faintly, Derek telling her that I was fine. _

_"Come on Derek! I would bail you out!" I sigh, knowing that I didn't have long._

_"Except for the fact that I've never been arrested!" He argued back quickly._

_"Maybe you should try it." I try to joke but it doesn't carry to the other end of the phone. "Come on, Derek. Please." I hate groveling. It's humiliating, and half of the time it doesn't even help. I hear a faint slam of a door in the background, followed by several obsceneties that I don't think I've ever even heard Derek say._

_"Well looks like it's your lucky day, Sloan. Addison's already left to bail you out." _

_"Atta girl!" I laugh before it dies away. "I can't believe you wouldn't!" _

_"You gotta learn sometime, Mark! You can't just go around getting in fights every time you aren't in the spotlight!"_

_"THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!" I yell, angry that he would say that. _

_"Oh please, Mark. It's me you're talking to. Every time life doesn't go your way, you go and make a drunk fool of yourself, and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces! When the hell are you going to grow up?" _

_Now I'm angry. I just stood - and even celebrated- his marriage to the only woman I've ever loved, and he calls me selfish! So what if I needed a few drinks afterwards! He should be happy I showed up at all."Maybe I just need some new friends!" I growl as I take a deep breath. "Have a nice honeymoon, asshole." I slam down the phone onto the receiver, praying that Addison got there soon. _

_She wouldn't yell at me about it. She might be sad, disappointed even, but not angry. She wouldn't yell. I'm thankful for that. I'm not even going to tell her what happened. I'm just going to let her drop me off at my apartment, and go back to Derek- her husband- the man she loves. At least I'll get to say goodbye. Two weeks without Addison and Derek. This is going to be interesting. _

_Addison hasn't said a word to me since she bailed me out, which was about twenty minutes ago. When we got in the car, she didn't even crank it up. She just sat there staring at her steering wheel. "It's my wedding night, Mark. I'm.. I'm supposed to be with Derek. Not here at the jail bailing YOU out." _

_She's the only person who can make me feel guilty about the life I live. Mostly because if she ever asked me to change, I don't think I could say no. But she's never asked, and I never have. It's not like it would be for her, she has Derek. My best friend. "I'm sorry, Addi. You gotta believe me." _

_"Why? Why should I? You're just going to do it again!" She quipped back, and all I could do was lower my head. Chances are she's right. _

_"I didn't start the fight! This girl was sitting at the bar, and I just talked to her, and this guy came out of nowhere and started throwing punches! I had to defend myself!" I try to state my case, knowing that it's no use. She doesn't care, and she doesn't like my sleeping habits. She doesn't get to yell at me about that though, because I can't have the person I want to be with, so I will continually settle for people that I will never see again. It's the only way I can handle it. _

_"So stop hitting on random girls in bars, Mark!" She hissed, and it doesn't surprise me. _

_"I'm sorry I'm not as lucky as you to find my soul mate in college, Addison. God forbid someone be single in your life!" Ok. So that's a lie. I have found someone to love, but she doesn't need to know that- ever. _

_"Just STOP!" She raised her voice just loud enough to silence any thoughts of continuing. "What are you so scared of to the point that you won't ever speak to someone again after you sleep with them? Hell, you probably don't speak to them before either. _

_"Because I don't want to get screwed over again!" I sigh, knowing that I've already said too much, and yet nothing to her at all._

_"Again?" She asks, her voice much softer than before. "What do you mean?"_

_"Nothing Addison. Just take me home." _

_"Mark.." I hate when she does that. There's nothing I'd want more if now was a year ago, before Derek decided that he was going ask Addison to marry him. But it's not. It's Derek and Addison's wedding night. And I can't tell her that I'm in love with her, and pray that she falls into my arms. _

_"Please Addison. If you don't want to take me home, why did you even bail me out?" I sigh, opening up the door to get out._

_She places her hand on my forearm to stop me from getting out before she finally cranks up the car. "You're too pretty to sit in jail." She laughed before pulling out of her parking space. "They'd take advantage of your need to be loved and admired by all." _

_"It is a desperate need." I laugh as I finally relax into the seat._

_"My point exactly." _

_"So how mad is Derek going to be?" I sigh, still not believing that she left to come pick me up._

_"Don't worry about it. I can take it." She winks at me, and I let it go, simply because I don't want to know what she means by that._

_"Atta girl." I laugh, fighting the urge to vomit all over her car. _

_An all too familiar car was parked in my spot, and I couldn't stop a chuckle from leaving my lips. Leave it to Derek to end up being the good guy and bring my car home from the bar. Even after the argument we had, I'm not surprised. _

_"Miss me already?" I laugh to lighten the mood. I'm sure he wants to yell at me again, but I'm just not willing to hear it tonight. _

_"Something like that." He grins as he pulls my spare keys that I've given out of his pocket. "Thought you might need these." _

_"Aw. Thanks Dad." I chuckle and I turn to Addison who is rolling her eyes at us. "Thanks Addi." I add with a little more sincerity. _

_She shakes her head as she walks towards me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. "I am NOT leaving Fuji for you, Sloan. Remember that!" _

_"Damn. I was so excited to get arrested again, Addi." I retort quickly, releasing her reluctantly from my hold into Derek's. "Have fun." _

_"No worries." Derek grins as he pulls her even tighter into his arms._

_"Right. Well, you two better call me when your flight lands, and tell me about everything I'm missing. I want to know where it states three people can't go on a honeymoon." I ramble, purposefully ignoring what honeymoons are made for. _

_"We'll get back to ya on that." Addison laughs as she looks between me and Derek. "Well I'm going to go sit in the car. It's getting cold out here. Bye Mark." She half waves at me before walking around the car and getting in. _

_"You're married now." I offer a faint smile, which is halfhearted at best._

_"I am." He nods, his smile much more enthusiastic about the idea than mine._

_"Still no regrets?" _

_"Only letting her meet you." He laughs, and even though I know he's joking, I send him a deathly glare. "Mark.. I.. I'm sorry about what I said. But you really need to stop this." _

_I lower my head slightly towards the ground, and nod. "I didn't know." _

_"You never know, Mark. I don't even think you care." I don't even think he's trying to start a fright, but it makes me mad none the less. He wasn't even there! He was off doing god knows what with his wife!_

_"What the hell, Derek? You get married, and all of a sudden your filled with wisdom from Buddha? Of course I care! You think I like getting my ass kicked? I don't!"_

_"Not again." He mutters, rubbing his temples softly, and I release my knotted fists._

_"You should go." I look down at my watch and realize their flight leaves in three hours._

_"Yeah." He nods. "I'll call you." _

_"And I will stay out of trouble." I grin, and receive a small laugh._

_"Better start memorizing Ma's number, huh?"_

_"Probably." I chuckle as he gets into his car, and backs out, leaving me to simply wave them goodbye. _


	7. Chapter 7

**So I def got more reviews for last chapter than I've been getting! And that made me smile! But now I'm sad that there is only one more chapter after this! Which will probably be posted tomorrow because I'm leaving Sat. for a week, and it seems cruel to make you guys wait a whole week for the ending! So here is the second to last chap! Enjoy! and let me know what you think!! **

**I lost a job most folks 'round here would die for  
By laying out all night and raising hell**

_It was five years before I got into another fight. Except it wasn't over some random girl in a bar. It was over Addison. Some moron at the hospital we worked at had the nerve to talk about her like she was an animal!. Who the hell did he think he was? Unfortunately the moron was another attending, and so I got fired from the hospital. Once Derek heard about it, he was outraged, and quit as well. The Chief said it wasn't because I hit the guy, but it was because of my partying habits. Apparently nurses have big mouths. Since when do people get fired for having sex lives?_

_Either way, it worked out for the best. We ended up opening a practice together.I'll never forget the first day it opened. We didn't have one consult, so we sat in Derek's office the entire day playing poker with the secretary, Jade. Of course we conveniently forgot to mention it was strip poker when Addison asked us about it that night at dinner._

_The next week, Addison ran an ad in the paper for our practice, and so we never really got a chance to get our pride back after Jade kicked our asses. Something she didn't ever let us forget._

**And I let a woman that I love slip through my fingers  
Chalk another dumb move up to my foolish pride**

_I'd been sitting in my leather recliner in the living room for at least two hours, staring at the television, even though I hadn't went as far as to turn it on. I was ashamed, and sad, and more than anything else, I was angry! Which is what made it so easy for me to ignore the racket coming from the bedroom. Addison has been in there the entire time, throwing things, possibly packing things, breaking things, anything she can do probably. She found out about Charlene. A nurse that was just a little too friendly to me after I found out that Addison killed MY child. So I slept with her in the hospital- in an exam room where the door didn't even lock. Damn nurse wouldn't keep her mouth shut. Maybe a part of me wanted Addison to walk in, maybe I wanted her to feel the pain that I felt. How dare she tell me I'm going to be a dad, and then kill it! She killed our child! Maybe that wasn't enough reason to cheat on her, but it sure damn well seemed like it. I hope she tears apart the mattress.I'm sure never sleeping on that damn thing again. As soon as she leaves, and she will leave, it's going right out to the dumpster. Merry Christmas to all. I used to love that bed. I spent more on the mattress than I did for my entire furniture set in there. But what is a King's throne without the queen?_

_I finally stand up , and make my way towards the door. I can't be here when she leaves. I can't watch her walk away from me. I lost the only family I've ever known because of her, because she told me that she loved me too, and now she's leaving. Inevitably going back to Derek. Doesn't she know they are over? He won't ever forgive her for this. Let her waste her money. Couldn't be any more expensive than the heels she's wearing that are currently scratching my perfect hardwood floors._

_Just as I reach the front door, the racket stops, and I hear a soft sob coming from the bedroom, and even though I want to leave so badly, I turn around and head for my room instead. I knock softly on the door, and when I receive no resistance, I open the door to find her cuddled up on the bed that no longer has any sheets or comforter on it. Tears are seeping into the mattress, and the reality of what's happening hits me. I'm losing the only person I've ever wanted._

_"Addi.." I whisper as I make my way towards the bed, and even though I've already promised myself I would never lay on it again, I crawl on it and cradle her in my arms. Because this is what I do, what I've always done, I've protected her from the pain. Even if it is my pain this time. "It's going to be okay, Addi." I whisper softly into her ear, placing small kisses on her head. Once her breathing slows to an even rate, I pull away, promising myself that I wouldn't torture myself anymore._

_"Mark.."She whispers as soon as I reach the handle of the door, and once again I'm pulled back to her. "Make it go away." She whimpers, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. And I know then that this will inevitably be the last time I ever make love to her. Because once it's over, her heart will go back to stone, and she won't ever give me the time of day again._

_I slowly walk back over to the bed, and by the time I reach it, she's already taken off her blouse and skirt. I go to take off heels, but she jerks her feet away from mine, so I decide to leave it alone. Wouldn't be the first time I had sex with shoes on. I know she wants me to hurry up, but I can't because I have to remember every detail, down to the way every little area of her neck and shoulders taste._

_"I love you, Addi." I whisper into her ear once she's fallen asleep, stealing one last kiss from her lips before sliding my feet onto the floor. Rummaging for my clothes that had been thrown in every which direction she could get them. I turn around one last time once I reach the door to admire her sleeping form. Since there were no sheets on the bed, her body is free for my eyes to see, and even though I've kissed and touched every 'imperfection' she has, I still don't see any. "I hope you find what you're looking for." I offer a small smile that she will never see before leaving the apartment. Knowing that when I returned, she'd be gone._

**I wasn't there standin' by the bed  
When the preacher bowed his head  
With the family, the day my grandma die**

_It's been five hours since Betsy left here after giving me the news about my dad. Despite everyone's pleas for me to go. I can't. I'm alone. I thoroughly loathe being alone, but I like it much better than my alternative. I've done the last visit before. It did nothing to soothe the pain._

_**As soon as I enter the room, it falls silent, and I can't stop myself from wincing internally. I don't blame them for staring at me, still hurts though. I walk slowly to the bed, instantly grasping his left hand in both of mine. "Hi daddy." I whisper, tears falling down my cheeks now. **_

_**"Hey buddy." He offers me a faint smile, and even though his head is all but mummified, his teeth make sure to remind me that it's just him. And his eyes- eyes you can't find in anyone except him. Not even Derek, even though his eyes are eerily familiar. Mike's has a wisdom in them that is unforgettable. It's like they hold the secrets to the universe, and he's just dying to tell you them. Dying. He is dying. The thoughts cause my body to quiver, and I look around to find that Ms. T and Derek have both left me. **_

_**"I'm sorry." I sob, fighting the urge to lean into his body for comfort, but too scared it would cause him even more pain that I already have. **_

_**"You have nothing to be sorry about, buddy. It happens." His voice is hoarse, and I can tell it's a struggle for him. I want to tell him not to speak, but the words won't escape my lips because that's accepting his demise, and I can't do that. He can't do that. Believing is half the struggle. It's what my teacher is always telling me. So I'm going to take that into consideration right now, unlike the times I'm sure she's referring to, such as math tests. **_

_**Stupid math tests. I hope she feels good about that damn 69. ONE POINT. One damn point would have saved all of us from this pain. But No. She had to be "fair to all students" How is this fair? IT'S NOT! **_

_**"It's suppose to happen to criminals, bad people, NOT YOU!" I cry, and I look up to see that he has tears spewing from eyes as well, onto the gauze. "I need you, daddy."**_

_**He softly pats the bed beside him, and I reluctantly obey and sit down by his legs. "I'll always be with you, buddy." He whispers meekly, and as much as I want to believe him, it's hard. I've never really believed in the afterlife. I've always been more of a 'here and now' person. But for the first time in my life, I want to believe that it's true. **_

_**"Promise?" It kind of just slips out. I didn't even mean to ask, but I did, and I'm glad. Because he never lies. He would never lie to me. **_

_**"You bet, kiddo." I finally give him a faint smile, and just as the corners of my lips curl upwards, he flatlines. The machine goes haywire, and in an instant, a crowd of nurses and doctors rush into the room, pushing me out of it, despite my best efforts to stay with him as long as I possibly could. **_

_**Five minutes later, and he is dead. They gave us a reason, but I didn't understand it. He was gone, he'd just promised he'd always be there for me, and he's gone. It wasn't fair. I can see Derek collapse into Ms. T's arms, sobbing hysterically, and I can see silent tears fall from her majestic eyes, but I can't seem to react. Maybe a part of me believes if I don't react, then it's not real. That if I just stay in this exact same spot that I was standing in before they came out with the news, that I can pretend that they are still trying to save him. That he still has a chance. He deserves a chance. I finally watch as the doctor walks out of the room, his head lowered as if he is truly troubled by the death of Mike. Like he knew him! He was just another patient to him. He couldn't possibly feel the loss. **_

_**It was in that moment as I watched him fill out paperwork at the nearest desk, and simply walk away that I realized that I was going to be a doctor. A better doctor than him. And more than that, a doctor that cared! **_

_**I didn't cry until a week after the funeral when my dad surprised me with Yankee tickets. After sending him a glare that could scare away the meanest of monsters, I informed him that I had to study for a test, and that he should take one of his friends, or mom. **_

_It wasn't until later that Derek told me that he was going to go into medicine as well. We made a pact that we'd go through the schooling together, to remind each other why we were there when things got tough. And believe me, things got tough. _

_I'm still sitting on the stairwell when they get back home, the exact same place they left me, and I don't even have to look at them to know he's dead. There wouldn't be a silence if he wasn't. Addison is the first to approach me, and even though I know she has the best of intentions, I can't let her near me right now. Because until it sinks in, I'm going to like stone. It's not the way I want to be, it's just the way I am. "Don't." I tell her, and even though I can hear a loud sigh escape her lips, she obeys and continues her way upstairs without touching me. And even though I told her not to, it still slightly hurt when I heard her heels reach the top stair, which has a loud creak in it. _

_Derek offers me a small nod before making his way into the living room to sit on the couch, I guess he knows by now that I'm not going to talk until I'm ready, and he's letting me come to him. It, too, is a bittersweet feeling. Knowing it's what I want, while simultaneously knowing that it's not what I need._

_Then there's Ms. T. Never been one to let things go at face value. Once the other two are long gone out of sight, she steps towards me, sitting down beside me on the steps, and without saying a word, she pulls me into her arms. If it was anyone else, I easily would have recoiled, and even thrown them an angry glare, or hurtful comment. But it's not. It's her, and so I go willingly. Because if you have to go through something painful, she is a strong believer in never having to do it alone. "It's going to be okay, baby." She whispers softly into my ear, and a part of me even believes her, but it's too soon for that. Because it will be at least a week before I accept what's happened. If I ever do. Because there is nothing in my life that reminds me of my father. I could easily go on the rest of my life without ever being reminded of today. But I've studied enough medicine, and talked to enough psch specialists to know that it isn't healthy. My therapist would never let me get away with it. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to try._

_Half hour passes before I make my way to my room. I'm not surprised to find her lying on the bed, her fingers drawing soft lines from her naval to the edge of her stomach and back repeatedly. "Hi." I speak softly so I don't startle her, in case she somehow didn't hear the door open and close._

_"You flinched." She whispered, and if I hadn't been frozen in my spot, I probably wouldn't have heard her. "I went to touch you, and you flinched. Like I would burn you. You've never done that before." _

_I simply nod my head as I make my way to the bed, laying down beside her, making sure that the pillows don't block my view of her. "I'm sorry, Addi. I just.. I needed time." I sigh, trying to find a way to make her understand. _

_"I mean.. Mike has been my dad for as long as I remember. Even now, when someone asks about my dad I say that he died when I was twelve. But today. Today my sperm donor died, and whether I like it or not, he was the last tie I had to my mom. She did the best she could with me, and I.. I don't know what I'm suppose to feel." _

_By the time I look at her again, she has tears in her eyes, and she instantly cups my face in her hands. A part of me knows I should pull away, because Addison is the last person I need to be with in a time like this. I'm weak and I can't control myself like I've learned to do for so long now. I swear sometimes she looks at me the way I know I look at her, but I shake it off because it's not possible. _

_"You're supposed to celebrate the good, learn from the bad, and mourn the loss of a man you never got to know because of his.. because he couldn't open his eyes to see how amazing you are. Mark, sweetie, that, in no way, is your fault though. You gotta believe that." She smiles at me, and I can't help but return the gesture._

_"How.. I.. He... Addi.. He hated me." I know my voice is cracking, and I hate it, but she has that effect on me. Maybe it's why I didn't want her to touch me on the stairs._

_"Maybe he was envious of your relationship with Mike." The words are only a vague surprise. And even though there is no evidence to support it, it makes me feel better for a moment, long enough to put myself back together. To rid myself of this vulnerable state. Her fingers have come to a rest on my jawline, and it takes everything in me to move out of the perfect position I've found myself in._

_"I..I better go." I offer my most confident smile before kissing her forehead. "See you later, Addi."_

**_What ya think:) Yes, I'm being completely shameless. I'm learning that it works! _**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey Everyone! So we've finally reached the end of this story! I know it's been incredibly sad, but as some of you said, the song isn't a very happy one. Mostly about regrets. But mostly I wanted to show things in Mark's life that drove him to do some of the things people don't like him for. Atleast my version of it anyway. But ANYWAY! This is it. This is what it all led up to. It's kind of short, but I think it gets the point across. I didn't want to drag it on too long bc I have a tendency to get repetitive! Anyway! I hope you guys like how it ends! Let me know!! **

**If only I'd've known  
That later on down the road  
I'd look back and not like what I see**

To my surprise, Derek actually stops in his tracks before he ever opens the door. And even though he doesn't turn around, I know this is my chance. I know I have to make things right. I glance back at Addison helplessly, her hands somehow intertwined with mine. "He's Derek." I echo the words she'd just spoken to me, and all I can do is hope that she understands.

My heart drops into my stomach as she untangles her hands from mine, but it rises as they make their way to my face. "Find me later?"

I simply nod, because I can't manage anything else. I watch silently as she makes her way past Derek without so much as a touch or a glance in his direction before leaving the closet.

Once she's gone, he turns back around to face me, and even though I'm not positive because the closet is rather dark, I swear I see a smile on his face.

"You could have found me later, ya know?" He finally spoke as he finally took a seat next to me instead of on the other wall like before.

"No, I couldn't. Because.. because I need you to understand something. I mess up. I mess up a lot. I'm flawed. But you.. you know that. You know me better than anyone. And you have to know how much I love Addison. I have to believe that if you really know that, how much I really want to be with her, then you could forgive me."

"I do know that you love her. I think I've always known. At least somewhat." Derek sighs as he runs his fingers through his tangled hair. "It's just.. she was my wife, Mark."

"I know that. It's why I kept it to myself for so long, but then you.. changed. I used to be the workaholic between the two of us, Derek. But suddenly you were scheduling surgeries in the middle of the night instead of going home, or practically doing the nurse's job instead of making it to anniversary dinners. She looked to me for answers, and I had none for her. You guys weren't 'Derek and Addison' anymore. You were just Addison. Then at some point, you started sending me in your place, and then ever further down the line, she just stopped asking you because she knew you wouldn't show. Ignorance is bliss, Derek. Then one night, I stopped by your place with Chinese food. She'd called me and told me she hadn't talked to you in days, and that she didn't even know if you still lived there anymore. So on the way over, I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels. I wasn't planning on drinking any. It was for her. But I got there, and she popped in a chick-flick. A chick-flick, Derek. I needed the damn drink just to survive. Half an hour in, we'd dismissed the shot glasses for wine glasses, and just filled them to the brim with the whiskey. I don't know who started it, or how in the hell we ended up in your bed for you to walk in and see, but it did. And I'm sorry that you had to see it. And I'm sorry that I was too drunk to even realize the enormous mistake that I'd made. I just knew that you would show up at the office the next day, and we'd talk through it. But you didn't. You were gone."

"Mark.." Derek begins, but I cut him off before he can say more.

"I'm not done!" I quip back, and he gives in and lowers his head to brace himself for the rest.

"After about a week, I just performed the basic surgeries that you had scheduled that I was confident enough to do, and the rest I apologized profusely to, and sent them on their way. This one family harassed me for weeks about your where abouts, and all I could tell them was there was a tragic loss in the family. Eventually, the calls died down, and I removed your name from the door. Addison grew to hate the brownstone. I don't know if it was because it reminded her of you, or me, but she did. So she moved in with me, and even though I never saw her without her wedding ring, I convinced myself that I could make her happy. And damn it, I tried so hard. But it was never good enough. If I got her flowers, they weren't the right color, and if I got her chocolate, she wanted a different filling. And eventually, my patience wore thin. Until one day I walked into my, our, apartment to find her crying on the couch. She was staring down at a box on the table, and it wasn't until I sat down beside her that I realized it was a pregnancy test box. I never wanted kids, Derek. Honestly, they are just a little too loud and annoying for me to handle, but I saw that box, and I just.. I could not stop smiling. Because it wasn't just my baby, it was Addison's! And I knew that if I had her, I'd be okay. I could handle it. damn it, I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face for a week. I even went out and bought a Yankees uniform thingy for it, and a calender that had her due date circled in red marker. I was so excited to show Addison, I just knew she would be so proud that I made the effort. But I got home, and I knew something was off. The place was silent. Eerily silent. No cries, no laughter, not even any machines going." I take a deep breathe to steady my voice, because I know if I don't, I'm going to lose my grip. I need my grip. "I found her lying in bed in one of your shirts. And even though her eyes were closed, I knew she wasn't asleep, because she always makes this comforting humming noise when she sleeps. I walk over to her with the bag behind my back so I can surprise her. When I climbed onto the bed, she winced, and her hands instantly flew to her mid region. And then I knew what she did and why, without her saying anything. She killed my baby because it wasn't yours. I didn't even say anything, I just dropped the bag onto the bed, and left."

"So that's why you cheated?" Derek asks, and surprisingly, he doesn't even look upset. Possibly a little sad, but not angry. Apologetic mostly, which I find odd considering who's at fault in this relationship.

I can't bring myself to answer, so I simply continue my story. "I went to Randy's bar, because the only thought I could put together in my head was that alcohol was completely necessary in this situation. I'd expertly avoided Randy's since you left, but I just... I needed you to be with me on some level, even if you weren't. But you weren't there. Nicole was. And by the time I left, I honestly couldn't even tell what color her eyes were I was so wasted. I wouldn't be surprised If I called her Addison. She made me forget about the baby. At least for a little while, and then I spent the next night in an on call room with some nurse.. And the next I went to another bar, far away from Randy's, because by then I was ashamed at what I'd done. But that didn't stop me from going home with Charlene. Addison still hadn't called me, and I'd be damned if I was going to call her first."

"I'm sorry she did that, Mark. I'm sorry that I didn't end the marriage before it ruined our friendship. I'm sorry that I was here instead of at Randy's to tell you to be careful, even if it would have hurt like hell to tell you so. And I'm sorry that Addison got no closure to the point she killed your child. I'm just.. I'm sorry."

"I finally went home a week later to find that Addison's stuff was all packed. It was strange because despite the random boxes through out the place, it was possibly the cleanest that apartment had EVER been." I let out a small laugh simply because it's all I can bring myself to do. Even now it seems so unreal. "I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It did. Like hell. But I'd accepted that I couldn't make her happy, so I simply sat in my recliner in the living room, and listened to her finish packing. I eventually left again, and when I came back she was gone."

"She really did give me divorce papers. It's my fault she didn't come back. I just.. I couldn't sign them. Even after everything that'd happened, I couldn't become another divorced statistic."

"So eventually I flew out here. Hell, I had nothing to lose. Weis had told me that you two were working it out, and I just.. I couldn't believe it. So I came out here to see for myself. And you'd managed to fall in love with an INTERN!" I let out a small laugh as I recall the memory. "I remember telling Meredith that at some point the cards have to fall on the sides of the dirty mistresses."

"Oh, so that's why you hit on her!" Derek laughs loudly and I shake my head.

"Hey! I didn't know, okay?" I grin as my muscles finally relax from their stiff position. "But I did know that you didn't love Addison anymore."

Derek's smile faded once again, and I silently berate myself for bringing it back up. "You know, I really did love Addi. But Meredith.. what I feel for her.. is a completely new feeling."

"I'm really happy for you, Derek." I nudge his shoulder with my own. "And I'm damn happy that you and Addison didn't get the happily ever after. Because that would of sucked pretty damn bad."

"So you and Addison, huh?" Derek smiled at me.

"I hope so." I grin as I twist my fingers tightly.

"Well look on the bright side, I'll be at Joe's to kick your ass if you decide to be a man whore again."

"Good to know." I laugh, finally making my way own to my feet. "Is it me or does today finally seem like a good day?"

"Seems pretty damn good to me, Sloan." He replies with a smile, making his way to his feet as well.

"Where you going?" I raise an eyebrow at him curiously.

"To get some company." He grins and I can't help but laugh.

"I always knew Grey had a kinky side."

"Back off Sloan!" I laugh as I raise my hand in surrender.

"Fine fine. I'm going to find Addi anyway."

**Whoa, I'd've changed a lot of things  
Startin' with me  
Startin' with me**

Unfortunately, as soon as I left the closet, I was paged into an emergency surgery. So I can't say I'm too surprised to find Addison already at Joe's. Even from my spot at the door, I can see her looking around, probably degrading every couple she sees, whether they are happy or not. Probably even telling herself that being divorced isn't so bad, even though her ex husband is sitting in this same bar happily with another woman, a much younger woman. She barely even gives me a glance as I take the seat next to her, and even though I can see the corner of her lips fighting to turn upwards, she turns just enough away for me not to be able to see them win.

"So I found you." I say with a nervous grin on my face.

"Here I am." She finally looks at me after downing a shot.

"Me too."

"So you and Derek are friends?" She asks, and even though I'm sure she's doubtful, I can see a glimpse of hope in here eyes. I glance back towards the back booth of the bar at Derek before nodding my head.

"We're okay." I smile and offer him a small wave, that he actually returns. "So what am I suppose to do, Addi?" I ask as I finally meet her gaze again.

"There have to be rules, Mark." She smiles at me, and even though there's nothing I hate more than rules, I nod my head in agreement.

"Are these those kind of rules that are never said but are suppose to be understood? Or are you going to be very very clear?" I ask, hoping for the latter.

"Oh. These will be crystal clear." She smiled as she grabbed onto my upper thigh tightly, causing me to swallow the rather large lump in my throat that'd formed. It's only now that I realize just how many drinks she'd had prior to my entrance. "No screw buddies. No old girlfriends. No throwing the baby in my face every fight, and absolutely NO adoration of Meredith Grey!" She tightens her grip to let me know that she isn't kidding, and so I bite my tongue to keep in the sevreral inappropriate comments that filtered through my mind during the speech.

"You're my only one. Got it." I smile as I lean in to kiss her, but they only meet her palms. I open my eyes to find that her eyes are practically dancing in amusement. I reluctantly pull back. "There's more?"

"Just one." She smiles so sweetly that it almost makes me question if it's really her. Sweet has never really been one of Addison's strong attributes.

"Ok." I nod my head to indicate for her to continue.

"If you break any of the aforementioned rules, you will be castrated slowly with no anastesia using only my perfectly manicured nails. Understood?" She's leaning in so close that it's about every ounce of resistance in me to not kiss her, but as her hands travels even further up my thigh for emphasis, I grab her hand instead.

"Got it." I mutter, almost painfully, as I bring her hand to my lips to kiss. "I love you, Addi."

Her features soften considerably at me as she leans into my ear. "So what are we still doing here?"

A grin overtakes my features as I quickly stand up, not even bothering to drink the scotch that Joe had sat down on the bar for me. "I can fix that." I chuckle as I pull her to her feet as well, careful to steady her.

"I don't doubt that." She grins as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me into a kiss. "God, I've missed you."

I grin as I pull away, just long enough to wrap my arms around her from behind. "Let's go, babe." I softly kiss her neck before leading her out the door, laughing softly as I hear two whistles coming from the bar that I know are Meredith and Derek, even though I don't bother to turn around.

**The End! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, and stuck with it! I know it was incredibly sad pretty much right up to the ending, but either way! Thank you all so much! I hope the ending was worth the wait! **


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